Why Moms are so important.

mom-banner-700Although it should be obvious and the image of a mother should be put on a pedestal, it hasn’t always been that for me. We are in fact products of our environments and this being said we hold on to our beliefs with blind faith. To take away beliefs is to admit wrong or worse as it unveils your choices on the path of your life.

I was taught to objectify women in a world where they worked for my dad. My brothers and I seen the image of a woman as a beautiful picture dancing on a stage. Choreographed just for us with an angelic silhouette only to be pillaged at the end of the song.

Surprisingly we were not alone in these thoughts.

This image of how a man should act towards women was not shunned but in fact praised. Through my teen years this idea was vindicated by mass amounts of friends that followed in a conquest of conquering virgins and the more I achieved the more I heard “your just like your father”. To a son these words are like the gold medal in the Olympics, an achievement of such grandeur that blind faith begins with.

To add to the encouragement where cartoons and kid shows that in them selves taught that these actions where normal. My father would come home and bellow the word “woman” just like Fred Flintstone and in that caveman way of thinking, she better have had her womanly duties ready. Even the Beaver’s mom was portrayed as a frantic woman that only had one side to her and although I never experienced that type of motherhood, I was taught that image.

The Damsel in distress.

Throughout my life and even more into my adult years these same thoughts where once again justified by the chatter of mom’s. These women would talk in front of us and tell stories of how it’s all their dads fault. Recanting on the violence and torture they where put through and how they only escaped with their children.  I can’t say for sure but as a kid it felt like I was the only one with a dad instead of a mom. I’d watch my friends torn by thoughts of their relations to monsters and the paradox of their mothers attraction to my father.

This followed into my relationship with my children’s mother and over the ten years and four kids I somehow became her monster. Only to be judged by a group of her peers and branded as the many men before me. A justified reason to leave letters on our pillows saying goodbye, with one final message ” I hope you understand how I feel”.

A Generation of dads.

It is amazing how the world changes through out your life. The crossing of generations and the seeding of idea’s. My children know more families now being raised by dads than I ever did as a child. In ways I see positives in this as more father figures are being cast in stone and at the same time the family unit itself has changed so drastically from my childhood that there is no normal anymore. The same stories I heard as a kid have morphed into men telling the same reasoning I heard the last generation of women tell tale of.

As a single dad dating, your first date always brings up “What went wrong”, it’s daunting. A continuous reflection of childhood stories mixed with a new adult implications. The constant approval that your not that monster not only to the women I’ve dated but also to myself.

My minds manifestation.

At this point your reading and wondering where this is going. I cast no blame on my life or my choices but the longer I’ve been a dad, the more I’ve realized I wasn’t taught to be one. The lack of these teachings has also stunted my ability to be a partner. This isn’t only my problem but a world wide problem and the raising of a daughter and future mother has changed my perspective on woman.

I can’t say I will ever understand the stay at home mom but I have a deep respect for the last generation of single moms. Being a single parent is hard, you are alone responsible for the outcome of a future, which society itself complicates. Sometimes you feel helpless to the tears of your child, grasping for answers that you yourself don’t completely understand. Your a protector and yet as strong as you can become thoughts and ideas are planted by the person that insists your a monster.

Why moms are important.

As a man this thought would have never occurred but as a dad I ask for your help.

I wasn’t taught to be a dad or husband, as most men in society today. We hear advertisements like “back to school prices for mom” that reassure the out of date place as taught in the family unit. Relationships and the art of communication have been lost in a generational quest to create equality. Baby boomers where taught different than I was and the next taught even more diverse ideas. Yet as adults we all sit in the same room casting judgement and arguing on the faults. With each grouping of man holding onto the previous beliefs and now women planning on the single parent life before it even begins, or worse holding on to the monster card which is socially acceptable.

We need to reinvent the concept of man and in this need your help.

Women have completely changed every aspect of their positioning in life but the scales have not been tipped. There are still issues of equality in government and in any status of power like religion or politics. Yet our future is still in your hands as there are more single moms and stay at home moms than dads. It’s never too late to learn but childhood sets the patterns for the rest of our lives. This power is long term and may seem trivial but holds more sway than the egotistical cavemen that try to hold on to the old ways.

With your help and understanding that the quest for equality has never included teaching boys to be fathers, moms become the answer to future heart breaks.

I understand that most men will not comprehend this as it’s taken me forty years to grasp and my campaign “Think like a dad,not like a man” has received more mother support than fathers.

We still have groups of men that desecrate the sanctity of motherhood not only in person but with online groups holding onto the archaic man. Our boys will grow up and have to face these true monsters as men and our daughters as wives and mothers. This can not continue in a cycle of overlapping generations.

The word mother.

I have never experienced what I am asking but I have seen it.

I know this is possible as moms are goddesses among men. You create life in a way that gives so much of you. As a man I will never truly understand this but as a single dad I can encompass the force you wield.

A mom is more than a woman, and holds the power of this worlds future!

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The Dating Dad

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It’s hard enough dating and even harder as a parent!

I remember the teenage years fumbling around along side friends and every kiss felt like love. A euphoric time where societies constraints hadn’t quite set in yet and the only thought was that of how you felt. A phase in our existence that now twenty five years later feels more like a dream.

As a teen dating I’d get a lot of comments of how I was just like my father, followed by demeaning opinions like I wasn’t in the room. It took years to comprehend the paradox’s adults spoke. When my father was around women praised him and when he was gone they hung him like dirty laundry. I went through many step-moms, some soft like a sing-song Walt Disney voice and others mad and frothing from the mouth. Hard to understand that my dad was a man as well as a father.

At moments in life I vowed to not leave a path of tears behind me and at other times I could not fathom why it didn’t work out.

At the age of thirty it happened.

The separation!

After ten years and four children it was over. A surreal moment where nothing makes sense and almost every habit or pattern in life needs to change in order to move on. Courts and arguments like a UFC event that divides family among the bleachers picking sides and taunting your choices.

The loneliness sets in and it hits you harder then ever before in life. Either all your friends are still married or like me you made life decisions and moved across the country for your spouse. It’s even harder if your one of those children that has had the phrase burnt into your head “Your just like your Father”.  Now I have  come full circle and looking into my children’s eyes I hear the voices talking through them, asking the same questions that I myself was confused about. This has got to be the hardest moment for a parent. Helpless and vulnerable. Then after the kids go to bed it’s dead silence. Even on the good days you turn, in joy, with no ones there to share.

So you reach out!

This isn’t the teen age years and dating isn’t even close to the same. This very moment is when most people are angry and hating the opposite sex, whether they want to admit it or not. That innocent gaze is replaced with scrutinizing defenses which raise alarms that you may be just like their ex. Paying for sins on both sides of the sex’s due to your amour being just as strong. No one wants to go to that point again.

Meeting someone has changed exponentially. No more high school social or easy places to mingle. People wear their scars for you to see and have either started to self medicate or drown the pain away. At times it feels like you’re anchored if the person is without children and have to say no too many nights for the greater good. While you watch others spend more time out than with their kids. The days of meeting someone through a friend have ended and dating APP’s are the new introduction methods. A feeding frenzy of lonely fish swimming in a cyber sea.

My father had passed away years ago but i had never felt more close to him than now.

As a dad dating you meet many types of women and if you are unaware you may get caught up in the many webs they weave. I don’t say this lightly and with no malice. I have learnt from every woman that has come into my life whether that be a good example or a bad one. Some people just don’t want to move on and live in circles chasing their tails with the fear of getting hurt creating reasons of why this won’t work. Others don’t have the coping mechanisms to live on their own and jump from one partner to the next in a self destructive denial. I’ve met women that couldn’t or did not have kids and you realize that it’s not you they want but who you are protecting. Truth be told everyone’s raised different and connecting is like figuring out a combination lock with thousands of possibilities but only one code to open.

Cliques 

My father lived through the first generation of single dads as a main stream and I have so much respect for how many hoops he must of jumped through to keep me safe. The government gave out a mothers allowance and the system wasn’t ready for the mass numbers of divorces. Most dads went with societies picture and left the home creating a stigma of dead beat dads. This stained men and the critical opprobrium they have generated.

I am the second generation of single fathers. The dad that goes to school to pick up his children and stands alone, or the customary head nod of men walking by each other. We don’t circle in groups or plan play dates, meet at the park after school or car pool as moms go for coffee. Mom’s bond together in cliques. A support system that’s been there from the dawn of time. Even in dating and if that man isn’t exactly what they want, he’s ostracized across social media as a narcissist or worse. Heaven forbid it wasn’t just the wrong combination or in my case too many children.

When the man and the dad become one.

I understand.

Raising children does something to you. When you give yourself to it a growth happens. For the first time a true relationship. It educates you in so many ways and at the same time it builds a strength like a Jedi brain, with the constant bombardment of “dad”through out the day. You get to be a part of the learning possess which creates a better comprehension of people. I became soft and loving in front of others and most of all understood that the bro code did not exist. I would do anything for my children and think through this process I’ve gain the appreciation for the Golden Rule- “It’s not about me”. Men don’t understand this but dads do. There is a difference between the two.  I’ve seen full grown men throwing tantrums like a child to get their way or an under appreciation for their wives and how much of themselves that they give on a daily basis.

And through dating I’ve seen this on both sides.

The happy ending 

Everyone has a Cinderella story and everything will work out in the end. Don’t chase or compromise who you want to be for your kids.

I still identify myself as a single dad. I still raise my four children and now my niece and nephew on my own. I still get up every morning and drive my kids to school and pick them up after. I am still that rock they call dad but this road has led me to a woman. A mother that does the same as me on her own. She has a strength that I admire, which i thought only existed in stories. A beauty that radiates from within and every time I kiss her its like I’m sixteen and that euphoria takes over. She can lip sync every Walt Disney movie and dance like an angel. She shows me a love that I have never experienced before. Loving what was created when the man and the dad became one.

Even though we live two separate lives and meet in the middle. Only get to see each other on planned days or because one of us just happened to have all our kids in the car and took a left after the trip to the store, instead of a right. I know this is the one.

A princess to this peasant and the shoe fits.

A Child’s Mind

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The brain is like a computer full of programs . A child’s mind was born a new slate always adding what you as the parent feed into it or the people you choose to look after him/her. As they go to school they add through networking of other operating systems and the out come of this is a growth in a new direction outside the family unit. Sometimes lies or misbehavior happens. This is ok because your child has not conformed to societies rules nor should they fully. They are growing and need to push the limits of there new found abilities. Intelligence is a beautiful design.
With time as parents we can install anti viruses which help direct the brain away from bad behavior.
With adopted children this is harder as some have come from environments that might have been unhealthy and this is a lot harder to do. It’s not impossible as people are not born villains they are formed through there surroundings.
Love and patients is the key in both scenarios and the understanding of how personalities are not all the same so not all approaches to install this anti virus are the same.
As a parent we are all learning and for everyone of us it’s our first time. Educate your self as we do not give birth to exact copies of ourselves and should be versed in other people’s ideas even though the end choice in how to parent is up to you.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

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As a parent I’ve realized that this conquest of man or looking out for number one is wrong. This selfish pile up of everyone stepping over each other has created a scary world. A dark existence of neighbors fearing neighbors.
The lack of empathy and love for one and other. Kindness lost to cold stares at the weak and helpless.
Media filled with violence and villains put on pedestals.
There are heroes among us,yet they are over looked and ignored. True patrons of society never spoke of,nor are they glamorized like the tyrants that push there way through the crowd.
We make imaginary heroes that by no means can a man truly be. They embody all the virtues of men yet seem out of reach to follow and if followed society laughs at in disbelief.
As if told to get back to your common place.
I am a common man and I choose to believe. I choose to believe I can make a difference as do many others. I will not stand idly by while there is so much injustice.I’ve realized it’s not about me,it’s about our children. It’s about giving them a world worth believing in.
I will not prepare my children for this world,when I can prepare the world for my children.

We can make a difference when we all realize

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU